


selfish, bittersweet (but we'll be okay)

by versol



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: ???? - Freeform, Cute Ending, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, idk im just sad, the enlistment fic no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 01:19:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19074562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/versol/pseuds/versol
Summary: Baekhyun has a heavy feeling in his chest that he can't seem to find the word for.





	selfish, bittersweet (but we'll be okay)

**Author's Note:**

> i guess im hopping in the "Emo over kyungsoo's e-word so im writing a sad fic" bandwagon'
> 
> thanks kardashians in the "ksoo enlistment d-28" gc for telling me not to write this while i plotted it out im sorry 
> 
> When the news of kyungsoo's enlistment dropped I didn't mind all that much because it's okay! he'll be back in a little over a year! No matter! I am okay!  
> But, as the days have dragged on, I've been getting more and more sad about it. More and more angry at how sm treated the situation, now I can't stop thinking about it.   
> I put all my thoughts, all my sadness into this to try and sort it out and even though I won't feel any better after writing this, it feels good to just get it off my chest because it's all been very confusing, and so heavy.

  
  


The dorm has been more quiet than it usually is. 

 

It felt a little bit like this when Minseok moved out. But for some reason it feels heavier and Baekhyun has been trying to ignore it all day, but it lingers. 

 

“Does something feel… Off to you?” He asked Jongdae this morning while they were in the car on their way to practice. His friend was quiet for a few seconds. Contemplating as he stared silently at the road in front of them. 

 

“How so?” He finally replied.

 

Baekhyun shrugs, fingers tightening around the leather of the steering wheel, “I dunno. Things just feel… Weird.”

  
  


A series of rapid fire gunshots startle Baekhyun out of his thoughtless playing. This is the fifth time in a row he’s died at this stupid game. He’s staring at the screen and moving mindlessly, thoughtlessly, not fully shaking off this feeling.

 

Baekhyun rips his headphones off and throws them on his desk in frustration. Just as they clatter into the hard wood he hears the front door close.

 

Either Kyungsoo is home or Jongdae just left. 

 

He waits a little longer, then hears the door next to his open, and then close.

 

It’s Kyungsoo. But he didn’t call out to say he was home. He didn’t poke his head into Baekhyun’s door and say he had food. He was silent.

 

Kyungsoo is never silent when he gets home. Even when he’s had a bad day he always says  _ something _ .

 

It makes Baekhyun stand up from his computer unconsciously. It’s probably best not to bother him, obviously something is t right here but it’s going to continue to gnaw at Baekhyun until he gives. He tries to stay silent as he opens his door, letting it hang open as he steps into the hall. 

 

He stares at the door next to his with a strange, heavy feeling in his chest. He walks up to it, a little hesitant, then knocks. 

 

They fall lightly against the wood. Hollow. Echoing. Baekhyun wonders if Kyungsoo hears it the same way he does; Bouncing off the walls, no enthusiasm, too quiet to even pick up. 

 

“Hey,” He mutters. Not yelling, like he usually does, voice level. He truly hopes Kyungsoo can hear him through the door. For some reason he can’t find the energy to bring his voice up. 

 

“You feel okay? You didn’t say anything when you got home.” Baekhyun’s hand rests lightly against the door, waiting for a response, but for the next few seconds all he gets is silence.

 

“Yeah, just… I’m fine. Thanks.” Kyungsoo finally says. Baekhyun doesn’t reply, he stands there a little longer, wondering if it’s worth it to try and see what’s wrong but can’t bring himself to. He quietly mutters an “Okay.”, and retreats back into his room, closing the door behind him with a sigh and crawls into bed. 

 

He’s so tired. No physically, but a different kind of tired. He doesn’t really understand, it’s very rare for him to feel like this. He tries not to think too much about it, but it’s invasive. It’s keeps him from falling asleep even though he wants to.

 

Invasive enough to where he testers on the edge of sleep, but he’s still awake enough to be aware of his surroundings. To hear two soft knocks at the door, then hears it open.

 

“You awake?”

 

Baekhyun shifts a little deeper under the covers as a response, keeping his back to Kyungsoo.

 

“Ah…” He breathes, “I’m sorry.”

 

It’s sincere. Kyungsoo is always so sincere, and it makes his chest a little heavier.

 

“Can I?” His voice is closer, Kyungsoo is on the other side of the bed. Baekhyun scoots himself over a few inches, a poor attempt at making room. 

 

He feels the weight of the bed become heavier as Kyungsoo gets in with him. The warmth of his body presses up behind him, making exhale deeply. Baekhyun missed him.

 

Kyungsoo’s fingers trace over the bare skin of Baekhyun’s arm, and he’s brought in a little closer when Kyungsoo drapes his leg over Baekhyun’s waist, relaxing against him. 

 

“‘M so tired.” He mumbles softly into Baekhyun’s hair. 

 

Baekhyun hums in agreement, slowly falling asleep to the warmth and comfort of being next to Kyungsoo. It doesn’t ease the feeling in his chest like he thought it would. It’s still there, and he still doesn’t understand it, and he hates that he keeps thinking about it because he doesn’t want to. He just wants to lay here with Kyungsoo. 

 

“How was your day?” Kyungsoo’s fingers trace down Baekhyun’s arm to find his hand, and gently fills the gaps with his fingers from behind. His palm is warm against the skin on top of Baekhyun’s own hand, and it makes Baekhyun’s fingers curl in some, fingers looking for the rest of that familiar warmth that he’s come to adore so much. 

 

“Long.” Baekhyun mutters sleepily, “Practiced for the concert, came back here, played games all day.”

 

“There you are.” Kyungsoo squeezes Baekhyun’s hand, and Baekhyun can feel him smiling against his hair. 

 

“I would have chosen your day over mine.” Kyungsoo says, “Too many people. It’s draining”

 

“Practice was okay then?” The younger plants a reassuring kiss on the back of Baekhyun’s neck, “Yeah… Fine.” Baekhyun pushes himself back, closer against Kyungsoo, desperate for the warmth, the softness, the pressure of Kyungsoo’s body pressed against him. 

 

“Then what’s bothering you? You don’t seem very excited.” 

 

Baekhyun sighs, trying to think of short, decent answer, but comes up empty. He doesn’t know what’s wrong. He feels wrong. He knows something is wrong, but he can’t find words for it. 

 

“I don’t know…” He sighs again, “I’ve been trying to figure it out all day… Something is just… Off.”

 

“Off,” Kyungsoo repeats, “As in like… Off balance?”

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun breathes, tone hollow, “That sounds right.”

 

A brief pause rests in between them, to both of their surprise, Baekhyun is the first to speak up. 

 

“Everything just feels strange. It’s like walking into an empty room with only a chair… It’s…” He tries to find that feeling, that weight that he’s been feeling deep in his chest all day. 

 

“Lonely.” Kyungsoo finishes his sentence, and Baekhyun gets it. 

 

He never feels lonely. The rest of the members are right upstairs, Jongdae is just down the hall, he’s got his highschool friends but all day he’s just felt so… Alone.’

 

“You’re feeling loneliness.” Kyungsoo confirms. Silence, again. 

 

“Is it because I’m leaving soon?” He asks finally. 

  
  


That weight in Baekhyun’s chest just got much, much heavier. 

 

He didn’t feel like this when Minseok enlisted. He didn’t feel like this when any of his close friends did, either. Why does this feel so different? When Kyungsoo came home with the news Baekhyun just got excited and said he can’t wait to see Roh Kisoo come back with his bald head. 

 

As the month dragged itself on, though, it dragged Baekhyun’s feelings about this down, too. He didn’t expect this to make him genuinely sad. He approached the sudden news in the same fashion he did Minseok, so why does it hurt so much?

 

“I’ve still got two more weeks, Hyunnie. It’ll be okay.”

 

Baekhyun scoffs, pulling his hand away from Kyungsoo’s and shifts to face Kyungsoo. It won’t be okay, not if he feels like this. This isn’t how he should feel and yet he does. His heart is heavy because Kyungsoo is going to be gone for way longer than he’s okay with. 

 

It takes him a little bit to take in all of Kyungsoo. He doesn’t notice it at first, because he grew so used to it, but to see it again, to see his head shaved again, it reminds him that this is all about to happen so soon. It’s all crashing down on him, now.

 

“Does it look bad?”

 

Baekhyun smiles for the first time today. He raises his hand to rub through the short strands on his head, Baekhyun chuckles, “It feels like running your hand through a bowl of rice.” 

 

“It’s cute though.” Baekhyun smiles, lets his hand fall to the side of Kyungsoo’s face, thumb stroking over his cheek, “It was cute the first time, and it’s still just as cute now.” 

 

Kyungsoo smiles, eyes turning into little crescent moons, “Okay,”

 

“Two weeks,” Baekhyun’s hand falls to take Kyungsoo’s again, “That’s gonna fly by.”

 

“Yeah… I know.” Kyungsoo watches Baekhyun lift both their hands, pouting as he watches the way their fingers intertwine against the white of the ceiling. Baekhyun lets their hands fall back down again, “It’s gonna be so quiet. Like, more than it already is.”

 

“Who’s gonna cook award winning meals for us?” Baekhyun gasps, chest feeling lighter as Kyungsoo’s lips form into that pretty little heart, “You’ll be okay. Jongdae isn’t  _ that  _ bad.”

 

“But he isn’t as good as  _ you _ .” Baekhyun pouts again, and Kyungsoo giggles, “But you aren’t even gonna try.”

 

No, he won’t. He has before, and it was an absolute disaster. Besides, Kyungsoo is educated in the kitchen, nothing can compare to what he makes because it’s made by Kyungsoo. 

 

Baekhyun bends his arm under his head, “Showers aren’t gonna be anymore fun either.” He winks. 

 

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes in disgust at Baekhyun’s comment, “Seriously,” Baekhyun chuckles, “Who else is gonna scrub my back like you? Who else is gonna fu-”

 

“I got it.” Kyungsoo interjects, making Baekhyun laugh. 

 

There’s a lot he’s going to miss. But being like this, just lying here and prodding Kyungsoo with silliness, giggling and joking without a care in the world, that’s gonna be hard to get used to not having all the time. 

 

“Who else is gonna go out to buy me a screen protector in a different country and then make out with me right after,  _ huh _ ?” Baekhyun leans in a little closer to Kyungsoo, watching the tips of his ears turn pink, and his face squish up in embarrassment. 

 

In one swift move, Kyungsoo untangles their hands and grabs firmly at the nape of Baekhyun’s neck. It’s a habit he has when Baekhyun flusters him or does something obnoxious. Or when he just realy, really wants Baekhyun to shut up and kiss him. 

 

Kyungsoo makes it hard for Baekhyun to keep from kissing him. He cups his face in his hands and pressed wet kisses to the apples of cheeks, his soft little nose, his head, then finally, those plush, smiling lips. 

 

“Really, though, I’m going to miss this. I love you, so much.” Baekhyun smile falls as he pulls away, but only a little. They’re just centimeters apart, Kyungsoo’s fingers relax and gently scratch at Baekhyun’s neck. 

 

“Me too,” Kyungsoo says, moving his hand up into Baekhyun’s hair, “You can always visit.”

 

Baekhyun closes his eyes, “I know. “ He says, “But I’m selfish and want you all to myself.”

 

“I want all this to myself, forever.” Baekhyun’s hand unconsciously rubs over Kyungsoo’s shaved head again. He remembers the first time he came home with it and how scared he was he’d get teased. Baekhyun ended up rubbing his fingers through it all night, told him how cute he was, and kissed him more than a hundred times. 

 

“It’s not fair that you won’t be here for the concert.” Baekhyun huffs, taking in the sound of Kyungsoo’s content sigh as Baekhyun gently scratches his nails over the smaller’s scalp. 

 

“None of it’s fair.” Baekhyun says once more, trying once again not to feel that feeling in his chest. 

 

“I know.” Kyungsoo says, “I don’t like it either.”

 

“All we can do is let time pass and hope it goes by quickly.” Kyungsoo’s voice is warm and reassuring that it makes Baekhyun want to melt right into the mattress. 

 

The warm feeling of Kyungsoo’s lips pressed against Baekhyun’s softly, delivering that same reassurance and sincerity just as the first time. It says everything Baekhyun loves to hear from him, it fills him up with so much love, that he kisses back with just as much confidence, telling Kyungsoo that he will be okay, that they’ll both be okay. 

 

This feeling will go away as the days pass.

 

“You have the strongest mind out of anyone I know,” Kyungsoo mutters into Baekhyun’s lips, “You can make it through anything, this is just another one of those times.”

 

Another kiss, Baekhyun is quick to return it. 

 

“I love you now, I’ll love you when I’m gone, I’ll love you when I get back.” 

 

Baekhyun lets his forehead rest against Kyungsoo’s, he cracks his eyes open to meet Kyungsoo’s soft, round eyes. Baekhyun smiles, tired, but genuine as he pushes Kyungsoo onto his back and lies halfway on top of him. Both hands immediately raise and fingers thread through Baekhyun’s hair. 

 

It’s going to take him a little bit to adjust to not having Kyungsoo here like this all the time. Whether they’re gaming together, practicing, filming, sleeping, anything. Baekhyun has to get used to this newfound emptiness. As frustrating as it all is, as much as it hurts knowing Kyungsoo won’t be here to lift his mood in just a few seconds like does. Or Baekhyun won’t be able to do some sort of aegyo to make Kyungsoo giggle when he’s tired after a long day, it is what it is.

Kyungsoo will be back, Baekhyun can wait. He’ll see this pretty face, and that pretty smile soon enough. He can hear that heart warming laugh again and lay here with him just like this. 

 

Kyungsoo is always right. 

 

Baekhyun is strong.

 

Right now, tomorrow, next year, and the year after, Baekhyun will love him, too. But for now, he just wants to be a little selfish. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for pouring my sadness out into baekhyun im just sad 
> 
> i had to pause from writing this twice bc I started crying;;; good times
> 
> idk u can follow me on twitter @obaektwt bc i feel too tired to hyperlink it. 
> 
> Pls encourage other dandanies thru this tough time we're all really fucking sad and trying to see the lighter side of things. It's just sudden and, like i said, these feeling come crashing right down out of nowhere. It's heavy, and it hurts, but it's not the end. May he return just as bright, healthy and thicc in 2021. I'll miss him so so much, and I hope this time will pass by really fast for all of us.  
> Please support the members in the exploration concert as well. They're working harder than ever to fill in for three members, and deserve so much of our love and praises.


End file.
